The Super (Boring) Bowl 2012

originally published in Volume 1, Issue 4 of Ramblin’ On

Aren’t you glad the entitled, large-market team is going to win instead of the entitled, large-market team winning again? –The Onion Sports Network

So another Super Bowl is behind us. Thankfully, I say, because this time of year I’m usually fine with casually watching hockey and basketball and holding my breath waiting for baseball to start.

Below I briefly comment the game itself, the commercials, and the halftime show.

Generally speaking…

If the question is for football to be over the answer is me.

Shortly before the Super Bowl began I posted my prediction on Facebook: that it’d be super boring, the commercials would be awful, and Madonna would look like an old hag. Although each of those things were easy to predict I’m still going to boast about how I was right on all points.

I’ve never been much for any of the pre-game crap. Indeed, after last I promised myself that I wouldn’t ever watch another one. In clips and videos they talk up football – and the Super Bowl – as though they are more important than they actually are. Last year there was a montage Martin Luther King and JFK, trying to make it seem like football a part of the American fabric in the same way as politics and important things are. Um, no. It’s football. People only watch the Super Bowl for the parties and the commercials anyway.

Speaking of that point, people who only watch the Super Bowl for the parties and the commercials are really annoying. It’s like people who only go to church on Christmas and Easter; it’s completely phony. If you don’t like football then don’t watch the Super Bowl. Period. Equally annoying are people who brag about how they don’t like the Super Bowl, or about how they only watch it for the commercials like it’s some badge of honor. Congratulations, we’re happy for ya. It doesn’t make you special to not care about the Super Bowl just like it doesn’t make you cool to actually enjoy it. It just is.

So yeah…Tom Brady is probably still doing pretty alright.

The good guys won
Although I correctly predicted that the game would be boring and that Madonna would look like a hag, I was incorrect in my prediction of the outcome of the game. Embarrassingly incorrect, really. Leading up to the game itself I was pretty shocked that so many people were figuring the Giants would win easily, that they outmatched the Patriots, and that the Patriots didn’t have a chance. Despite how underrated I think Eli Manning is, though, I always find it pretty hard to cast my vote against Belichick and Brady.

My feelings escalated as the week progressed and people’s feelings got even stronger. Not only were people sure that the Giants were going to win but the general attitude was that the Patriots were the bad guys. Why? Probably because they have had a lot of success and, as I seem to mention a lot in my articles, people hate it when people are successful and subsequently find it necessary to tear them down so they can feel good about themselves.

In the end I thought that Belichick and Brady would be well motivated, come out firing, and beat the Giants pretty handily. I didn’t think it’d be much of a game, honestly. Maybe something like 42-24. As sometimes happens, though, my elite football mind fails me.

So, the good guys won. Good for them. For my thoughts on how happy I am for them, see the quote from the Onion News Network at the top of this article and that describes my feelings.

The commercials
—What the hell is up with commercials having hash tags? I’m a fan of hash tags on Facebook, simply because it bothers so many people, but on commercials? Come on!
— Most of the other commercials were fairly-to-mostly vomit inducing. I loved the idea of Elton John as a maniacal king – and adding Flava Flav to anything will always get a thumbs up – but that Pepsi commercial was still as awful as…well, a Pepsi commercial. The M&M one was probably the worst of the bunch, but any of the ones with babies or dogs, or that were for cars (except the Fiat…), were all pretty bad. The one great video: the Seinfeld one. It warmed my heart to see the Soup Nazi again…

But hey…at least it wasn’t the Black Eyed Peas: Madonna’s Halftime Show

In case you’re wondering that’s the Illuminati sign for “I really love peanut butter and jelly.”

— First things first: after all these years I’d still bang Madonna. Two points about that observation: 1) It doesn’t say much and 2) For the money she’s spent on keeping herself looking young it only makes sense.
— The opening of the halftime show with all the idiots marching in Roman Soldier garb looked absolutely stupid. The idea is sort of out there, sort of creative, even a little original…but still completely stupid.
— I, for one, was a fan of Madonna’s initial outfit. Smartly and predictably she did not try to look hot by dressing in something revealing. Which made it hotter anyway. Hotter than something revealing would have been; not necessarily hot in and of itself. Her boots were sort of hot, too.
— She was lip synching, right? It sounded way too clean to be real and live. Also, I had no idea that the word “bourgeois” was in the song “Music.” More pop songs should use the word “bourgeois.” But less should be as awful as “Music.”
— I wasn’t nearly as annoyed with the LMFAO appearance as I thought I’d be. But only because their outfits were ridiculous and kind of cool, it was only like 10 seconds long, and it was really, really funny, especially when Madonna started, like, doing leg exercises in the middle of it. I laughed out loud as I did not for any of the commercials.
— The cheerleader bit with Nicki Manaj and M.I.A. was by far the worst part. Mostly because Nicki Manaj and M.I.A. are two stains on human history.
— Things got immediately redeemed when Cee-Lo joined Madonna in a hilarious high school band get-up for “Express Yourself.” His Reverend-looking black thing for “Like a Prayer” was pretty cool too.

Postscript: it was nice to see a commercial with Christina Aguilera right after to get the sour taste of that old hag Madonna out of my mouth. I’ve always had more of a thing for Christina than I have for the rest of the singer sex symbols of her era (although I’m not really sure why). The fact that Aguilera, Britney, and the other prefabricated female singers from that era seem talented and original compared to Manaj and M.I.A. is very sad indeed

Erik Ritland is a journalist and musician from St. Paul, Minnesota. His writings on culture, music (including his own projects), sports, religion, and many other topics are cataloged regularly at Ramblin’ On. You can reach him via email here.



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